Voice Mail

Copyright © 2010 by Chuck Heintzelman

"You have one new message.

"First message left Monday 2:12pm."

“Mr. Gardner, this is the Department of Licensing Automated Renewal System. Our records indicate your driver’s license expires tomorrow. Please contact our local office at 555-4149 or visit us at http://www.dolars.gov to renew your license at your earliest convenience. Thank you and have a nice day.”

"End of new messages."

"You have two new messages and one saved message.

"First message left Tuesday 12:23pm."

“This is City Library Procurement Services. Your copy of Government Conspiracies: Past, Present and Future is available for pick up at the west-side branch. We will hold your copy for up to five days. Thank you.”

"Next message left Tuesday 2:11pm."

“Mr. Gardner, Department of Licensing Automated Renewal System here. This is your second courtesy reminder for your driver’s license. It expires today. Please renew at your earliest convenience. You may renew online at http://www.dolars.gov. Have a nice day.”

"End of new messages."

"You have one new message and three saved messages.

"First message left Wednesday 9:06am."

“Comprehensive Wellness Incorporated calling for Alex Gardner. It’s time for your annual physical. Please call our office at 555-8241 to schedule your appointment. Thank you.”

"End of new messages."

"You have two new messages and four saved messages.

"First message left Thursday 2:13pm."

“Mr. Gardner, this is the Department of Licensing Automated Renewal System again. Perhaps you are unaware that driving with an expired license is a class two misdemeanor with maximum jail time of six months. Our Breeze-E Pass records show you passing two different toll booths today. Please contact your local Department of Licensing office at 555-4149 immediately. Have a nice day.”

"Next message left Thursday 8:53pm."

“Hey Al, it’s Jimbo! Get your butt over to O’Hanley’s. We’re arguing over one of your theories. The one about fluoride. Does it dumb us down or make us docile like sheep? I can’t remember. Get over here and I’ll buy you a cold one. I know it’s a Thursday night but, hey, it’s not like you have to be at work tomorrow, is it?”

"End of new messages."

"You have one new message and six saved messages.

"First new message left Friday 9:57am."

“Mr. Gardner, this is the Department of Licensing Automated Renewal System again. We are worried about you. You have ignored our repeated attempts to contact you. We have generated a comprehensive behavioral analysis as mandated by the United States Health Care Freedom Act and have discovered several disturbing items. Your recent bank activity shows not only tobacco purchases, but an inordinate amount of alcohol purchases. This combined with your refusal to schedule your annual physical shows a blatant disregard for your health. Your lack of employment may indicate depression. Your public library record indicates possible subversive tendencies. These facts have raised a red flag. In order to protect both you and those around you we have issued a warrant for your immediate arrest. Have a nice day.”

"End of new messages."